Your Therapist is Wrong About Boundaries...

How "Protecting Your Energy" became permission to be an asshole.

Look, I need to tell you something your £200/hour therapist won't: the boundary-setting advice you're getting is creating a generation of people who think "having boundaries" means never being inconvenienced by human connection.

We've turned boundary-setting into a religion, complete with scripture ("No is a complete sentence!") and some dude who'll block their own mother for sending a text after 8pm. But honestly, the truth that 127 self-help books won't tell you: most people aren't violating your boundaries. You're just conflict-avoidant and calling it self-care.

The data doesn't care about your feelings (but I do)

A 2023 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that 68% of people who reported "setting more boundaries" also reported feeling more isolated within six months. Not less stressed. Not more empowered. More alone.

Another thing: research from UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Centre shows that people who rigidly enforce boundaries have 34% fewer close relationships than those with flexible boundary systems. They also report lower life satisfaction scores.

Wait, weren't boundaries supposed to make us happier?

And before I get the book thrown at me, the notion on the table is fluidity as opposed to rigidity.

The Boundary-Industrial Complex

Here's what actually happened: we took legitimate therapeutic concepts designed for trauma survivors and people in abusive situations, slapped them on Instagram infographics, and sold them to people whose biggest problem is their coworker asking about weekend plans.

Real talk from the American Psychological Association: healthy boundaries aren't walls, they're filters. They're supposed to keep out the toxic stuff while letting in connection, vulnerability, and yes - occasional discomfort.

And the thing nobody wants to hear: discomfort is not the same as disrespect.

An NLP reframe you actually need

When someone asks you for something inconvenient, your brain immediately labels it as a "boundary violation." That's not boundary-setting. That's just your nervous system being lazy.

Try this:

Old frame: "They're crossing my boundaries by asking for help when I'm tired."

New frame: "They trust me enough to ask. I can say no if I choose, or say yes and negotiate terms."

See the difference? One makes you a victim of every request. The other makes you an agent with options.

A 2022 study in Cognitive Therapy and Research found that people who reframed boundary decisions as "choices with trade-offs" rather than "violations to defend against" reported 41% less relationship anxiety. They also maintained more friendships. Shocker.

The 3 types of Boundary-Setters (and why 2 of them are lying)

1. The Fortress (That's probably you)

• Has 47 boundaries listed in their Notes app

• Ends relationships over minor infractions

• Calls it "self-respect," but it's actually just avoidance

• Wonders why dating feels like navigating a minefield

2. The Doormat (Who you're terrified of becoming)

• No boundaries at all

• Says yes to everything

• Burns out by Tuesday

• You're not this person, stop pretending this is your only alternative

3. The Grown-Up (The one nobody talks about)

• Has clear preferences, not ultimatums

• Can tolerate discomfort when the relationship is worth it

• Says no and stays in the conversation

• Understands that sometimes love means answering your mom's 9pm phone call even though you're tired

What actual healthy boundaries look like:

Healthy boundaries include:

• Flexibility based on context - Your boundary with a stranger isn't the same as with your best friend

• Communication, not punishment - "I can't talk now but I'll call you tomorrow" beats ghosting

• Mutual respect - Their needs matter too, not just yours

• Repair attempts - Sometimes you mess up. Sometimes they do. Adults fix it.

But that doesn't fit on a pastel Instagram carousel, does it?

A little more data…

Here's what the research actually says about boundaries:

• Relationship quality matters more than quantity of boundaries (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2023)

• Rigid boundaries predict loneliness better than boundary violations do (Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2024)

• People who practice "compassionate boundary-setting" have 2.3x better relationship satisfaction than those who practice "protective boundary-setting" (Mindfulness Journal, 2023)

Translation: Being a human is messy. Boundaries that account for this work better than ones that don't.

The uncomfortable homework.

For the next week, try this experiment:

Every time you want to "set a boundary," ask yourself: "Am I protecting myself from harm, or am I just protecting myself from being human with another human?"

If it's the latter? Maybe try staying in the discomfort for five more minutes. See what happens. The relationship might deepen. Or you might realise it actually is worth ending but at least you'll know the difference.

Because here's the final truth bomb: The strongest boundaries are held by people secure enough to occasionally lower them.

Your therapist might not tell you that. But your future self, the one with actual intimate relationships and not just a contact list of people you've "outgrown”, will thank me.

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Now go forth and be appropriately ‘boundaried’. Whatever that means for you. I'm not your therapist.

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Inner Strategy 🖤